Where’s all the Wills and Kate merchandise?

Here at Catalogue e-business we were very happy to hear the news that Prince William and Kate Middleton are to get married on 29th April next year. Not only is it a very joyous occasion for all Great Britain to celebrate, we also get an extra bank holiday. I am a little surprised—and dare I admit, disappointed— though, that there isn’t more “Wills and Kate” merchandise out there, at least not judging from the emails and catalogues I have received lately.

While Tesco’s £16 version of Kate’s dress sold out within minutes, and replicas of the engagement ring are boosting trade at jewellery shops, I’m struggling to find any kitsch memorabilia. Since the engagement was announced on 16th November, I’ve received just one (yes, one!) email promoting royal wedding merchandise, from pottery brand Emma Bridgewater.

I’m sure as the wedding date draws closer I’ll receive more promotions for commemorative souvenirs. In the meantime, and in the absence of any really bizarre royal wedding products, I’ll leave you with a little frivolity from Firebox and Twitter. The gifts and gadgets etailer asked its followers on the social networking site to suggest Wills and Kate merchandise befitting Firebox’s quirky style. One respondent suggested barbeque gloves, another said racing Wills and Kate in the style of the Racing Grannies, and another liked the thought of a Wills and Kate-themed double Slanket.—MT

Mighty odd merchandising choice

I just received a press release from High & Mighty on the launch of its new website. As well as the usual “we’ve made it easier to shop” and “we aim to offer advice, style tips and a discussion forum”, High & Mighty has also announced it was selling home and electrical goods online.

Yes, it’s part of the N Brown stable--which through its myriad titles (just take a look at www.homeshoppingdirect.com) sells apparel, homewares, consumer electronics, white goods, and lots more--but seriously, is this the right move for High & Mighty?

The decision to sell electrical goods strikes me as a bit of a disconnect; the release says High & Mighty wants to be a “one-stop lifestyle channel for online shopping”—but why? For what it’s worth, I believe High & Mighty would be better off concentrating on getting deeper into its niche. Its database includes big and tall men that find it difficult to find clothes that fit on the high street, so why dilute the brand by adding fragrance and shaving products that can be bought in almost every other shop?

I once asked this question of consultant Meg Macmillan and she told me that “The most successful ventures have been those that built on existing core strengths of the brand, building on customer confidence in quality and value and offering products that were a natural progression and held true to the brand values.” I don’t see how High & Mighty selling plasma TVs fits into this (unless, as my colleague points out, it was a TV on a very tall stand!).

With Figleaves to become the latest brand to join the N Brown stable, does this mean we will see it selling fridges alongside knickers?--MT

Gifts I don’t get

Having a robust imagination, I can empathise with the intent of just about any Christmas gift. Those cheesy kitchen aprons designed to look as if the wearer is revealing his six-pack and just about everything else? Yeah, I guess someone, somewhere finds them funny. Loo seats decorated with “humorous” cartoons and poetry about game hunting? Well, the loo is a popular place to catch up on one’s reading.

A few of the items I spotted in Christmas catalogues recently, though, had me shaking my head and wondering who the hell would buy them—and who the hell would they be intended for?

Take the Monkey Nail Dryer from Hawkin’s Bazaar.

Hawkin’s has a host of brilliantly off-kilter gifts: Crime Scene Loo Roll; the Giant Wine Glass, which holds an entire bottle of vino; the Incredible Expanding Bunny (I can’t begin to explain it). But the Monkey Nail Dryer is, to my mind, just bizarre. I can accept that some people might feel the need to hasten the drying speed of their manicure with an air blower. But why is it in the shape of a cartoon monkey? I just don’t get it.

Then there’s the Furrari dog bed from Pets at Home:

I love dogs. I especially love my dog. But my dog is not going to have a swankier vehicle, plush or otherwise, than I do.

Gifts for the Girls sells Onion Goggles. These aren’t a gag gift, not at £14.99 and with a “comfortable foam seal” and “anti-fog lenses [for] maximum clarity”. But you’d need to chop an incredible amount of onions to justify the expense. Besides, who really wants to receive a gift whose sole purpose is to make it moderately less uncomfortable to carry out a tedious task?


Which sort of brings me to the Tweeze battery-operated tweezer from the Original Gift Company. I’m not saying this isn’t a great product; according to the copy, “it’s estimated to be 30x faster than ordinary tweezing” and is “ideal for facial hair on upper lip, chin and cheek areas”. But woe betide the man who presumes to surprise his honey with an implement for removing her moustache.

When it comes to truly naff gifts, the British have nothing on the Americans. Case in point, from the US catalogue Things You Never Knew Existed: Jingle Jugs.

From the product copy: “This anatomically correct mounted pair performs to the hit song ‘Titties and Beer’ by Rodney Carrington. Molded in soft vinyl with real bikini top! Mount these jiggly jugs on the wall or use the included display stand.”

And people wonder why I left the States for England.--SC

The good, the bad, and the huh?

A few comments on catalogues and emails that arrived at Catalogue e-business HQ this week.

First, the good: “Do we look good naked?” retail supplies cataloguer Morplan asks on the inside front cover of its October issue. It had mailed the catalogue without a plastic wrap, you see. “Did your copy arrive in good condition or should we stay covered up” the note continues. “Please let us know at naked@morplan.com.” I like this for two reasons: 1) Mailing without a polybag is more environmentally friendly, and 2) Morplan is asking for customers’ feedback on the move. Much as I loathe when catalogues come entombed in plastic (it’s just more flotsam to rip open and discard), I can appreciate that not everyone agrees with me. By asking its clients for feedback, Morplan shows that it values their input and, by extension, their custom.

Next, the bad: “We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated The Wanderers (Bloomsbury Classic Reads) by Richard Price have also purchased Rays by Richard Price,” begins an email from Amazon.co.uk. The message includes a link to Rays, which is scheduled to be released next week, and suggests I preorder a copy. Now, if Rays has not yet been published, how could people have already bought it? And more to the point, the Richard Price who wrote The Wanderers, a gritty novel (and one that I gave four stars, by the way), is not the same Richard Price who wrote Rays, a book of poetry described as “a wry and tender lover’s gift”. If you were to draw a Venn diagram of readers of Richard Price I and Richard Price II, the circles probably wouldn’t even touch, let alone overlap. I’d complained about Amazon’s dodgy product recommendations before; this seems to confirm that while it owns leagues of customer and product data, Amazon doesn’t really know what all the info means.

And now, the huh?: A 20-page Christmas edition of the Viking Direct catalogue includes two pages of Wii games, two pages of additional games, a page of kiddie electronics, and a page of DVDs. Viking, of course, is a direct seller of office supplies. Is the company really suggesting that office managers should stock up on boxed sets of Shameless DVDs and Hannah Montana karaoke systems in addition to wall planners and toner cartridges?--SC

Catalogues we love: Mamas & Papas

Before my husband and I became parents, we attended a class designed to teach us how to bathe a baby properly, how to attach a car seat, and other practicalities. We knew very little about babies; I’d never even changed a diaper. But even we had difficulty holding back our snickers when another parent-to-be asked, “Is it all right to place the baby’s crib next to a wall?” Have you ever seen a crib stood in the centre of a room?

The point is, new parents and parents-to-be worry about everything. In its latest catalogue, nursery retailer Mamas & Papas addresses parental concerns directly—and doubtless gains lots of customers in the process.

Take the spread headlined “Tests to fit with your life”. It details how the Mamas & Papas safety team tests its pushchairs, car seats, cots, beds, and toys. For instance, “A pushchair is folded 3,285 times in a 12-hour period. This is the equivalent of you folding your buggy three times per day for three years”. And “We test our cot beds to hold 15 stones”. That would support even baby Dumbo.

The 216-page catalogue is organised by product category, and the section selling pushchairs and prams opens with a spread clarifying the types of pushchair available (buggies, pramettes, twins, combos), the available features (swivel wheels, seat unit recline, toddler ride-on step), and how to determine which features are best suited for your lifestyle. If you rely on public transit, for instance, you’d probably be better off with a different model than if you have a car. When we bought our pushchair from a chain store in the States nine years ago, the salesperson helping us didn’t mention any of those points.

On the pushchair product pages themselves, Mamas & Papas includes handy “Why buy me” guides calling out pertinent features as well as weight guidelines and dimensions. If that’s still not enough information for you (and goodness knows new parents are ravenous for information), each “Why buy me” box includes a bold orange graphic that suggests you “click online for information”. This attention to detail isn’t limited to the pushchairs, either; furniture, mattresses, bedding, and even toys get similar treatment

The clear, easy-to-digest manner in which Mamas & Papas imparts the information critical to making a buying decision is reason enough to love the catalogue. But there are plenty of other reasons as well:

* fabulous in situ photography showing furniture in wonderful aspirational rooms.

* delightful lifestyle shots of babies and toddlers sleeping, playing, snuggling. I’m not one of those people who ooh and aah at the sight of babies (puppies, yes; babies, nah), but even my frosty heart was warmed by some of these pictures. So I can only imagine how the target audience will respond.

* the overall quality of the photos, full stop, particularly of the textiles.

* the clean, clear layouts, the reader-friendly type fonts, and the discriminating use of spot illustrations to add variety to some of the pages while subtly directing eye flow.

* the lush paper, which feels as wonderful as it looks.

* the products themselves. The furniture doesn’t succumb to twee-ness or resign itself to being practical but unattractive. Some of the highchairs, for instance, would fit right in amongst an Eero Saarinen tulip table and some Eames Eiffel chairs. And what I wouldn’t give for the Roundabout Boys wallpaper, or the Hodge Podge knitted blanket, or any of the soft toys on pages 190 and 191… and no, not for my daughter; for me!--SC

Are record high temperatures forecast for autumn?

Today's email from Next has the subject line "Just In: New Collections with all the latest trends from Autumn!" So I did not expect the first screen to promote skimpy, floral-patterned dresses:

And I definitely didn't expect to scroll down to see this:

If bikinis are a trend for autumn, I'll have to pass, thank you.--SC

Butcher, baker, candlestick maker?

What springs to mind when you think of Pixmania? I would like to wager that it’s not drills and lawnmowers, right?
Parent company DSGi describes Pixmania on its corporate website as “the only pan-European etailer of digital photographic and consumer electronic goods.” So why on earth has it branched out into garden products and power tools? It’d make sense if it could benefit from product synergies with a sister company but as far as I'm aware Dixons, Currys, and PC World all stick to their core business, not a hedge strimmer in sight.
In addition to tools and garden merchandise, Pixmania has also diversified into offering watches and jewellery, health and beauty products, and toys and games. Only one of those seems logical to me, and only if it were just selling computer games.
In the June issue of Catalogue e-business I wrote that multichannel retailers must Diversify or die, but there’s a flipside to consider, as Sherry pointed out in the Eddie Bauer post: Dilution = death. Where is Pixmania heading?--MT

Get with the programme

Flicking through Telegraph Select, a catalogue of “lifestyle solutions for readers of The Daily Telegraph” I can tell that I am not its target customer. From the grandly titled “Revolutionary mother and child lamp” whose deluxe model comes with a remote control to “Shoes so comfortable, they could be slippers” it’s easy to work out the demographic it is aiming at. But whilst I can appreciate a need for many of the products and the benefits they might bring, one item strikes me as completely redundant. Can you think who might need the “TV and radio antenna” after digital switchover in the next few months? Is this Telegraph Select's last-ditch effort to shift stock that will be obsolete in less than a year? Yes, you can get radio on it too, but what radio these days doesn’t come with an AM/FM aerial? And if the built-in antenna is useless I’m sure you could pick one up for less than a tenner. For £12.99 you might as well splash out on a DAB radio (prices start at £14.99 for clock radios, I hear).
The question now is Telegraph Select, where is your range of antique-effect digital radios then?—MT

A howl of a product

Still not convinced that user reviews can boost traffic to and sales on your website? Then consider the current best-selling apparel item on Amazon.com: the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt.

You won't see this shirt featured in Vogue or in Harrods; as blogger Michael K of Dlisted (where I came across this marvel) writes, "don't act like you've never worn this shirt with denim cut-offs and wedge sandals while working the ho stroll in Panama City Beach, FL". Even Homer Simpson wouldn't wear this T, though Cletus definitely would.

The only reason this item could possibly have topped Amazon's apparel list has to be the product reviews--319 and counting.

A sampling: "After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women... The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth..."

"I am a member of Parliment and bought this T Shirt on my expenses. Since wearing this in the House, I have had a strange longing for roadkill and burgers..."

"So I tracked my package before I left for work today and realized that it would be delivered around 1pm. Around noon I told my manager my dad fell off a ladder and that I had to leave work to take him to the hospital. Pulling out of Taco Hell all I could think of was 3 Woof Moon shirt and where to make the public debut, and that 3WM would give me the guts to ask Tonya the deep fry girl to a drive-in movie tomorrow..."

"Before the 3 wolves and moon t-shirt I was just a crazy cat lady wearing 'hang in there' kitten t-shirts. Now that I wear my 3 wolves and moon t-shirt people definitely take me more seriously. Especially that lady that keeps calling from the electric company. If I'm really lucky I'll have the confidence to leave the house soon too..."

If Amazon had censored the comments--and many of them are much too rude for me to repeat here--there's no way it would have sold so many of these shirts. So let's chalk one up to the power of unadulterated user-generated content. And when you have a few minutes, check out some of the other comments on the shirt's product page. Just don't blame me if you fall under the spell of the three wolves and find yourself howling at the moon.--SC

Tempest in a D cup

So the Facebook group Busts 4 Justice has renewed its campaign against Marks & Spencer, claiming that by charging £2 more for bras sized DD cup and larger, the retailer is guilty of "blatant discrimination".

Discrimination is charging a black woman £2 more for the exact same bra as a white woman. Discrimination is allowing Christians but not Muslims into your store to purchase said bra. Discrimination is paying a woman £2 an hour less than a man for designing bras. Charging £2 more for what M&S, in a statement issued last July, said is "the specialist work to ensure the suitable level of support, innovation, and technology that goes into the [larger] bras" is not discrimination.

In the States it's common for retailers to charge a few dollars more for plus-size versions of regular-size apparel, ostensibly to cover the extra materials. I used to think that it was a bit ingenuous not to charge a few bucks less for petite versions (back when I still fitted into petite versions), but hardly discriminatary.

If Busts 4 Justice wants to boycott M&S, that's fine. But to call this "blatant discrimination" makes a mockery of the concept of discrimination and diminishes examples of true, and truly harmful, discrimination.

Lingerie cataloguer Simply Yours has the right idea, however: If you search for Busts 4 Justice in Google, you see a sponsored link on the top right column from Simply Yours with the header "We Love Busts 4 Justice!" The copy underneath reads, "Get 10% Off All Our Great FittingGorgeous Lingerie For Curvy Girls!" What a great way to quickly take advantage of a competitor's weakness.--SC

Go fish

The above cartoon (a fish flailing in the desert, saying to a vulture, "So, enough about me, what are you doing all the way out here?"), which appears on page 7 of the spring/summer Weird Fish fashion catalogue, made me laugh out loud. Weird Fish is known for its T-shirts featuring its cartoon fish icon, so I figured I'd be able to buy a shirt with this cartoon on it. Alas, no... which makes me wonder why Weird Fish includes it in the catalogue in the first place. Perhaps the company is fishing for feedback for future T-shirts.--SC

The mysteries of Temps L

A Temps L catalogue crossed my desk for the first time this week; leafing through it and drilling through its website raised more questions than it answered.

1) What does "Temps L" mean? According to my schoolgirl French, it translates to "L Time". Um, okay?

2) Who are they? The website has no "About Us" (tsk, tsk), and apparently "Who are you?" is not a frequently asked question, judging from the FAQs page. According to the website's "legal notice", Temps L is owned by a French company, Domoti SOS, but that's all it says.

3) Is anyone really so desperate to get rid of cats and dogs in their garden that they'd scent their property with eau de skunk? Temps L sells Skunk Shot Repellent, a liquid that "reproduces the odour produced by the skunk to ward off attackers". And it's not a version of the smell that only dogs and cats can smell: "Beware: Under no circumstances should you use or even open this very special repellent indoors," warns the product copy. I used to live in a neighborhood much-beloved by skunks; many was the spring and summer evening when we had to close all our windows to stave off their stink. Give me a bit of dog poo or cat pee on my lawn any day.--SC